Started out well

Took the little ones to school, and then bugged my friend at the school – told her we should go to the river and take a walk. It was a beautiful morning. she agreed and we went. ūüôā Yay.

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Lovely walk, lovely crisp-ish gentle fall air.

Came home and walked the dog. That frazzled me horribly. She is SOOOO badly behaved sometimes. When she sees other people walking along the street she tries to jump at them, and when I don’t allow that (of course) she jumps at ME. She is 55lbs but rather tall and lanky and I swear she tries to karate chop/drop kick me.

The whole walk was a struggle.

Made it back and put her in her crate so i could have a time out. Its an xtra large create, all wire, so not horribly confining but perfect to keep her safe from everything she gets into for night time, and gives me a break during the day from time to time.

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Rest of the day still too short tempered, but I’m pms’ing. And have a broken tooth that is causing hideous pain to the side of my face and ear.

In the DBT diary card thingy, I give myself a 4/5 4 because I used my skills but they only distracted me most of the time, but off and on during the day they were used successfully as well.

Seroquel Today = Zombie Girl

So, a quick (6 day) wean off of the divalproex left me in a bit rough shape. Yesterday was the second day without any meds and my anxiety was through the roof.

The night before last I was having overtly sexual thoughts, and then slept fitfully, then awoke agitated. The rest of the day yesterday was up/down smiling/crying/yelling. Everything was a trigger. I ended up drinking the one lonely lil light beer we had in the house and washing a .25 xanax down with it. That one beer and the xanax finally calmed me. I slept well and today was the day I was to start my first 25mg of Seroquel.

Wow did I feel doped up.

It is 2mg in the morning and 25mg at night for two days. Then doubling the night dose for two days, then doubling the morning dose for two days. then a few days later the two in the morning and four at night for a total of 150mg (100mg at night -4 pills, and 50mg in the morning-2 pills)

I really cant imagine walking the dog, picking kids up from school, making dinner… does one actually adjust to the seroquel? Does it get easier to slug through the day?

Further Thinking on the Relation of Anxiety to Depression

I have read many different sites with thoughts, studies and reports about these two.

Depression as expressed by one writer ¬†“depressed people often feel overwhelmed by the day-to-day tasks and personal relationships so essential to life.”

Why overwhelmed? What am I feeling when I start to think about having to get dressed to go somewhere? What exactly is ‘overwhelmed’? By definition it means to be submerged by. ¬†Well, that is literally rather depressing. Pressed you RIGHT down. Submerges… but for myself I know that being overwhelmed feels more like anxiety.

Ex: I have to go somewhere: WHAT am I going to wear? I can’t wear that because I look too fat, actually, never mind LOOK too fat, I AM too fat, and I can’t wear that skirt because It’s too see-through and my one shirt that DOES look okay on me is dirty. WHY is it still dirty? Oh my god, why do I have so much laundry? Why can’t I get anything done? Why is my laundry piled up? What difference does it make, the whole freaking house is a mess anyhow. Why do I even live in a house like this? I should live in a hovel, I can’t keep this place decent, everything I do is wrong.

So… is that Depression? Or is it Anxiety? Negative thoughts, racing thoughts, and all of this turns into avoidance to avoid the sensations that go along with it. Is depression the state of being that arises from Avoidance of issues that cause Anxiety?

Is that Anxiety caused by Feeling too Much. Broken filter. Everything gets in sometimes. Good, bad,  too much noise, too much worry too much everything and then you just say OKAY dammit, enough now, and you toss the blanket over your head like a bird in a cage and shut it off.

A few different things come to mind that make it less clear cut (but also might still be related to being overly sensitive)

As a child I worried all the time. About dying. Fires, drowning, bees, geese chasing me— I was just anxious. I knew there were AMAZING things and I loved those things sooooo much. And on the flip side I had things that terrified me to death and immensely made me fearful.

I remember at a very young age not wanting to be seen in my bathing suit. I was about 6. Too young to worry about such things as being fat, but I heard the word tossed about, not necessarily at me, but I knew it was something I could be called (and although a lil chubby, was NOT fat) But for some reason I felt odd, and scared and out of place. I never did learn how to swim. I was embarrassed about not being able to swim. I always felt embarrassed and awkward.

Social anxiety was huge for me. Like many kids. At the school play in grade 1 I was so ill and full of tears just thinking of doing ANYTHING that involved people looking at me. ¬†During these years however I don’t recall being depressed. Lots of anxiety though, that continued.

I remember at about 7 years old, moving and each house we looked at I had to check to be sure there was a fire escape route from my future bedroom window or there was NO way we were moving there. The house my parents ended up choosing had a roof under my bedroom window. I was very happy.

I saw things, heard things, had night terrors, many fears. Cried at night, had temper tantrums and basically just recall being emotionally disturbed all of the time. My parents never spanked me, if they did I have no recollection of it. They were pretty tolerant.

By 13, 14 I was getting drunk, stealing from where I babysat, becoming promiscuous, developing heartwrenching infatuations with boys, experiencing date-rape, doing poorly in school, and finally getting pregnant and leaving school. I had my first child at 16 and got married two months later two weeks before my 17th Birthday.

That in itself was a horrible experience – he was a physically and verbally abusive alcoholic. Self esteem taking a further bashing as I was called fat, lazy, stupid– had things thrown at me. Sometimes I would close my eyes and just rock and cry and try to climb into a small dark space in my head to hide from it. He also had a brother (he was one of ten children) that lived in the same complex and would sexually harass me, and successfully forced himself on me. When I told my husband about it he blamed me of course and I won’t bother going into the details about what happened afterward.

I did run away from my husband. Started life again. Still I found myself drawn to ‘strong’ men. Always feeling in my mind like such a chaotic weak mess, I liked the dominating essence of a man that could direct me. Sadly every man I dated with that ‘dominant’ essence was actually just abusive.

Now, 40 years old.

Some days so very touched with the beauty of all around me. Loving it and loving myself. Then seeing a reflection of my failure in front of me. A Failure caused by my fears, my anxieties, these invisible stupid things that trip me up and no one else can see. Things I actually allow to settle in front of me because I am too fearful to walk forward and clear my own brambles.

I guess some people are just overly sensitive to the way the world pokes at them.

And to cope they hide, or avoid, (by actually avoiding, or drinking, drugs etc) ¬†and then become depressed at the quality of life they have created for themselves due to hiding. Then seek out pleasure via dangerous behaviours like¬†promiscuity or drugs/alcohol, then hate what they have become. It’s such a vicious cycle. Really. ¬† /end deep thought for the day

 

Well that was dumb

Decided to check my pills and I have enough left until Monday night but don’t see psych til Friday. It would have been okay if I had been able to keep my original appt date but the secretary had called me to tell me that he wasn’t in that day and we needed to reschedule. So—- suddenly not enough pills. Apparently Divalproex is not a med to be discontinued abruptly. A cool lil thing called ‘a seizure that never ends’ is possible if one is to do this HAHA.. yeah, doesn’t sound cool to me. So, the pharmacy will give me a few days worth of pills until I can get in to see him.

 

Anxiety and Depression. Which comes first?

I watch the kids and I think… anxiety triggers the depression.

My son is anxious, but at 6 he is not depressed. When I was small I was anxious about every single thing. Like— everything. It kept me from doing lots of things in life, and having a poor self image caused me a lot of self hate. My biggest sense of FAIL comes from all the things I don’t accomplish due to my anxiety. Anxiety/discomfort with my own self… do I belong in this world? ¬†THAT is where so much of the irritation and depression comes with. Overwhelmed with trying to do what others tell me to just GET OVER and do.

 

It’s been a month

Now on 1000mg of divalproex¬†daily. 500mg morning and night. At first there were the side effects of feeling kind of dopey. I liked that. My irritation had lessened, felt calm. But now I’m crying all the time and feeling irritated again. Safe to say maybe this irritation is more of a depression state than a manic state?

Every medication has a stupid side effect. Yet I want to feel better. Being overweight makes me miserable — so meds with huge weight gain are a no go for me. My anxiety disorder responds to every increase in heart rate with a full out panic attack so… not the best with meds that increase anxiety and heart rate.

Last night I had a bad episode. Shaking, crying, dizzy, weak, sick in my¬†stomach. Was sure I was going to die. Didn’t eat a lot yesterday, so maybe the drug didnt absorb properly and it was like a withdrawal effect? Or maybe low blood sugar, I don’t know. Anyhow.. its sucks.

Happy Tuesday

Updates — was too nervous to start medication.

I’ll try again tonight. Mood is okay, but i also just came back from a week away and when away with no internet and no tv and no distractions, it’s easy to fall into a spiritual safe haven… lost among the trees.

 

Working toward a better day–maybe?

Yesterday was so bad. Waves of awfulness. Morning was hopeless, improved when friend came over for a visit but again by end of day I was a mess. I had to go hide in my room because the arguing/whining of the kids was just driving me nuts. I told them I needed to have a few moments to myself because my head was not feeling very good, but of course they just hollered and cried and screamed for me.

Contacted husband to ask him to PLEASE come home and help me deal with things. Before he was able to get home I somehow managed to collect myself and hauled the kids out for a nice evening walk . Sun had not set yet, the wind was blowing in the trees and although the agitated was gnawing on my skin I was able to feel blessed for being able to be moved by the rustling of the leaves, the gentleness of the sun and the night time song of the birds as they readied for bed.

Today I am going out first, no sitting around all day on the computer. Out to the park first and then home to make banana bread. I REALLY want to be okay today. I REALLy don’t want to feel so angry.

One of Those days…

Woke up and felt fine for a few minutes. Then after my 4 year old kissed my arm about 4 times, agitation kicked in , followed by instant guilt for being agitated and sliding my arm away. Followed quickly by wrapping my arm around him and giving him a kiss on his head so that he would hopefully not realize my agitation and instead just dismiss it as a shift in position.

As soon as that agitation kicks in – my OLD FRIEND, you know the one you have known forever but wish would NOT come visit?- I feel ‘FAIL’¬†emblazon itself across my forehead in flashing lights.

Somewhere along the way came tears this morning, on the tail end of some self-directed verbal abuse…muttered under my breath.

The whole time my brain working and working -Is this irritation and agitation Depression? Is this Depression and Agitation an aspect of ‘my’ Borderline Personality Disorder? Is this rapid switch between Agitated/Depressed/Kinda Normal a Hypomanic episode of Cyclothmia?

omg. I am so tired of thinking about it and wondering about it. It isn’t even intentional, it’s just what my brain does. There is a friend (online) that is unavailable due to RL these days, and I don’t know if that is part of it— or if I’m just reacting to my friend being unavailable because of my BPD.

Anyhow—- that’s my mood for the morning. I always feel compelled to write in a Journal and figured this would be a good way to gauge if there were patterns to my moods. Those around me don’t seem to be able to offer any insight into this.