Took the little ones to school, and then bugged my friend at the school – told her we should go to the river and take a walk. It was a beautiful morning. she agreed and we went. 🙂 Yay.
Lovely walk, lovely crisp-ish gentle fall air.
Came home and walked the dog. That frazzled me horribly. She is SOOOO badly behaved sometimes. When she sees other people walking along the street she tries to jump at them, and when I don’t allow that (of course) she jumps at ME. She is 55lbs but rather tall and lanky and I swear she tries to karate chop/drop kick me.
The whole walk was a struggle.
Made it back and put her in her crate so i could have a time out. Its an xtra large create, all wire, so not horribly confining but perfect to keep her safe from everything she gets into for night time, and gives me a break during the day from time to time.
Rest of the day still too short tempered, but I’m pms’ing. And have a broken tooth that is causing hideous pain to the side of my face and ear.
In the DBT diary card thingy, I give myself a 4/5 4 because I used my skills but they only distracted me most of the time, but off and on during the day they were used successfully as well.
Woke up and felt fine for a few minutes. Then after my 4 year old kissed my arm about 4 times, agitation kicked in , followed by instant guilt for being agitated and sliding my arm away. Followed quickly by wrapping my arm around him and giving him a kiss on his head so that he would hopefully not realize my agitation and instead just dismiss it as a shift in position.
As soon as that agitation kicks in – my OLD FRIEND, you know the one you have known forever but wish would NOT come visit?- I feel ‘FAIL’ emblazon itself across my forehead in flashing lights.
Somewhere along the way came tears this morning, on the tail end of some self-directed verbal abuse…muttered under my breath.
The whole time my brain working and working -Is this irritation and agitation Depression? Is this Depression and Agitation an aspect of ‘my’ Borderline Personality Disorder? Is this rapid switch between Agitated/Depressed/Kinda Normal a Hypomanic episode of Cyclothmia?
omg. I am so tired of thinking about it and wondering about it. It isn’t even intentional, it’s just what my brain does. There is a friend (online) that is unavailable due to RL these days, and I don’t know if that is part of it— or if I’m just reacting to my friend being unavailable because of my BPD.
Anyhow—- that’s my mood for the morning. I always feel compelled to write in a Journal and figured this would be a good way to gauge if there were patterns to my moods. Those around me don’t seem to be able to offer any insight into this.