So, a quick (6 day) wean off of the divalproex left me in a bit rough shape. Yesterday was the second day without any meds and my anxiety was through the roof.
The night before last I was having overtly sexual thoughts, and then slept fitfully, then awoke agitated. The rest of the day yesterday was up/down smiling/crying/yelling. Everything was a trigger. I ended up drinking the one lonely lil light beer we had in the house and washing a .25 xanax down with it. That one beer and the xanax finally calmed me. I slept well and today was the day I was to start my first 25mg of Seroquel.
Wow did I feel doped up.
It is 2mg in the morning and 25mg at night for two days. Then doubling the night dose for two days, then doubling the morning dose for two days. then a few days later the two in the morning and four at night for a total of 150mg (100mg at night -4 pills, and 50mg in the morning-2 pills)
I really cant imagine walking the dog, picking kids up from school, making dinner… does one actually adjust to the seroquel? Does it get easier to slug through the day?
Now on 1000mg of divalproex daily. 500mg morning and night. At first there were the side effects of feeling kind of dopey. I liked that. My irritation had lessened, felt calm. But now I’m crying all the time and feeling irritated again. Safe to say maybe this irritation is more of a depression state than a manic state?
Every medication has a stupid side effect. Yet I want to feel better. Being overweight makes me miserable — so meds with huge weight gain are a no go for me. My anxiety disorder responds to every increase in heart rate with a full out panic attack so… not the best with meds that increase anxiety and heart rate.
Last night I had a bad episode. Shaking, crying, dizzy, weak, sick in my stomach. Was sure I was going to die. Didn’t eat a lot yesterday, so maybe the drug didnt absorb properly and it was like a withdrawal effect? Or maybe low blood sugar, I don’t know. Anyhow.. its sucks.
Yesterday was so bad. Waves of awfulness. Morning was hopeless, improved when friend came over for a visit but again by end of day I was a mess. I had to go hide in my room because the arguing/whining of the kids was just driving me nuts. I told them I needed to have a few moments to myself because my head was not feeling very good, but of course they just hollered and cried and screamed for me.
Contacted husband to ask him to PLEASE come home and help me deal with things. Before he was able to get home I somehow managed to collect myself and hauled the kids out for a nice evening walk . Sun had not set yet, the wind was blowing in the trees and although the agitated was gnawing on my skin I was able to feel blessed for being able to be moved by the rustling of the leaves, the gentleness of the sun and the night time song of the birds as they readied for bed.
Today I am going out first, no sitting around all day on the computer. Out to the park first and then home to make banana bread. I REALLY want to be okay today. I REALLy don’t want to feel so angry.
“The Latin phrase sub rosa means “under the rose” and is used in English to denote secrecy or confidentiality, similar to the Chatham House Rule. The rose as a symbol of secrecy has an ancient history.” – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sub_rosa
Seemed like a good title. After all, lots of the things that go on in my mind feel as though they should be left hidden.