Author Archives: undertherose

May 7th Diary Cards

Well I’ve taken back to posting here daily because I never manage to get around to writing it down for DBT journal/diary cards.

So starting with yesterday –

took a Xanax in the morning before group. Seemed like a great idea. I was apprehensive because I hadn’t done my journaling, nor did i pick up my homework and I didn’t want to get nagged at – all worked out alright.

Avoidance -high’ish’ but didn’t give in.

Work was successful. Used my Wise mind to just get through it “It’s okay if people hang up on you, don’t stress over it. It’s not ABOUT you” — Also used non-judgemental when I started picking myself apart for being a lousy Interviewer. I felt like I had an effective night at work.

Worried about getting everything ready for the weekend – worry was probably a 3 but talked myself down with observing my physical response to the stress and using non judgement to stop the judging and wisemind to differentiate the fact from fiction . Fiction ‘There’s a million things to get done before we go, can’t get it all done. Reality ‘there’s not that much to do. I Have the same worries anytime someone is going to be at my house (grandparents staying with the kids for the night) but it always works out fine.

Overall the day was a five.

Now for today – Avoidance was high-ish, worry was rather prevalent, but I still made it to my daughter’s to tidy up a bit for her, figured out dinner for the kids tonight and all the other work prep (wisemind — it’s really not that big a deal. Just breathe and relax) observed and noticed the rising anxiety , described it.

Work was effective. Got 9 calls done in 4 hours, skipped break and just finished at 8. started to lose my temper after work with my 6 year old, he was being ridiculous (yeah, IKR?  How odd for a 6 yr old to be ridiculous.. haha. anyhooo) but recognized my irritation and observed it, then described it to myself.

Had some moments of self loathing – my failure to do the workouts etc. But I let it go (non judgement) and loved myself instead.  5

Vet Day

Took our dog to the vet today to get spayed. Thankfully she wasn’t entering a heat cycle, or they wouldnt have done it. I really wasnt thinking, she will be one in about two months. If dogs are entering a heat cycle then getting them spayed isn’t normally done because there’s more risk.

But all was fine and her surgery went well. We got to pick her up this morning.

Yesterday was okay. It was nice to be dog free for the day and evening. I zoned out on the computer quite a bit because I decided to dual boot linux with windows 8 on my desktop. So, lots of mindless geeking. 19 year old tried to pick a few fights, but i was able to observe, describe my feelings and stay out of the argument.  I also tried the ‘not judge’ and just did what i needed to do to avert an argument. I give myself a 5.

Today i was irritated because I had lots of cleaning to do in order to get ready for family to come over, and had to work. Was antsy and stressed and didnt use my skills. Didnt think of them.  But then i went outside for a cigarette.. and felt the cool air and just said ‘yeah, ill get through it. It’s okay. It’s fine. The house is fine, im okay. Enough of the bad mood.’ and i got out of it. Cant recall what skill that is.. Wisemind I guess.  Now tonight im feeling down because I want beer but husband went out and didnt buy me any. I didnt come right out and BEG him too, i wont sink to that level. But I did say I wanted some and he just kind of shrugged it off. So right now I feel like I hate him. And i feel alone. My online cronies that I’d normally blab with, arent on. So…. yeah. Today is a 4/5 Part of the time the skills distracted me but didnt work, (like now, I am purposely sitting in misery) but they did work earlier (outside ,using wisemind.)

 

Where oh where has my memory gone?

Writing the day after about the day before.. and it’s SO hard!

What did I do yesterday… I got my Javita coffee order in, and some materials. I’m excited about this because the coffee is the ONLY thing that snaps me out of my seroquel slugginess. So yesterday I went through some of the materials.

Had a quiet kind of lazy day. We had an Sausage n Egg Breakfast biscuit from Tim Hortons for breakfast after dropping off the kids. There was a man sitting with a sign asking for Change or Food. So husband gave me a five dollar bill to give him.

hm. I’ll have to think more about the day and then get back to it. There HAS to be more to it than this. Weird.I guess at least it wasn’t a BAD day. I would have remembered that 😀

One of those Days

I love the rain, but for whatever reason, the past while, I feel like I’m drowning. Not in the rain but just… in life. I’m forgetful. Things blur together. I’m frustrated. I can’t seem to stop being irritable.

I have different issues i’m struggling with. Smoking (or lack of), drinking, eating, and taking meds that sort of throw me off.. but at the same time i do feel like they’re helping.

I hate husband’s graveyard shifts. I hate having to stay in the recroom, lower level with the boys and the dog.Everything just feels weird and out of sorts.

Husband woke up mad. He woke up at 6pm but doesnt start til 10pm so he knows hell be tired. He was bitchy with me, and snarky and it made me sad because I had just started baking cookies and had made a roast with potatoes in the slowcooker.

As the night progressed he snapped out of it, but by then I’d already been crying into the cookie batter, thinking about what a fat, ugly loser i am. I hate feeling like that. Old, fat, ugly.. lacking any willpower. Eating another cookie. Wanting a cigarette that I dont have, wanting a drink that I don’t have.

Dog TOTALLY pissed me off today. FAILURE. FAILURE. FAILURE…. it’s all I see…

me

Used observation/described what I was feeling out loud. Also tried One Mindfulness — JUST baking cookies, stirring the dough.. just one thing at a time.. focus. And tried non-judgement.

I would give myself a 4. It distracted me (my skills) but didnt really change how i feel…. though looking back on it, it kind of did. At least it felt healthy to realize i was using those skills. Had a good story time with the boys, huggles 🙂 So… meh, I guess it was a 5.

Jet Lag but Not Really

Husband is on graveyards so I’m sort of out of sorts with schedule.

Was downstairs with kids and dog most of the day so husband could sleep. Arranged for new TV and Phone service. I just couldnt get what I needed from Shaw at a decent price, so decided to keep my internet with Shaw and go with Telus for phone and sattelite TV. We rarely watch it anyhow and they had the best deal for the bare minimum.

Nothing too exciting today. Played a lot of video games while the kids played, to pass time until we could come back up. The house/dishes/laundry are still being kept up to par.

Still irritable. Guess it really IS part of my personality.

Diary Card Score- 5 Used skills and was successful in using them

Minfulness/Judgement were skills used.

I hate Graveyards

Im sure hubby hates them more but  it REALLY sucks trying to keep a 10 month old dorky dog and two small boys entertained and quiet. Down in the recroom all day. Didnt make it to church for the speech  Truth and Reconciliation given regarding the Residential schools done by Aboriginal Minister from St. George Anglican Church in Vancouver. Vivian Seegers. So, quiet day, lots of netflix movies.  Practiced Mindfulness/Wisemind as much as possible. Kind of in a daze so not really one minded but did use Effectiveness to some degree because i had no choice but to be down there and didnt want to 4/5

Saturday

Woke up very groggy and crabby. Had very little sleep because my youngest was up coughing all night. He has a quick gag reflex so it took very little for him to throw up when he’d cough.

Went to work at about 4. The priest invited me for a tea first, so and the Deacon and i had tea and chatted awhile. It kind of perked me up and took me out of my cruddy mood. We were talking about the various bible sources in regards to the Old Testament and how so many people still think the bible was written right back when an actual Adam and Eve were in the Garden. Also discussed Babylonian myth a bit and how the biblical stories were descendants of those but that people don’t want to examine that. To me it feels sad that people cling so tightly to stories, as though that is the only form in which their relationship with God exists. For me it wasn’t until everything I thought became destroyed. All my preconceived ideas of everything turned to dust. THEN was there a space empty. And then was there a space for the true seed of a relationship to be placed. To grow and emerge amongst the barrenness.

Fr.Joe drove me home, the Deacon’s dog is staying with him because the Deacon and her hubby have parted ways. Where she lives she can’t have a dog, but she has ‘custody’ part time and she is very close to Fr.Joe and his wife. Spends much time with them (lives on the same street), so her custody involves keeping ‘Heidi’ at Fr.Joe’s at night and with her at the church hall all day while she works.  So Heidi came on the ride home when Fr.Joe drove me. She was soooo good. Just sat between us. Listened. Was calm, I wish my insane dog was so calm, but then again Heidi is already 8 and my dog is only 11 months. Still!!! it would be nice.

The rest of the evening is kind of a blur, didnt do much. Played on the computer a bit more than I should I guess. But i was feeling crabby and the kids bickering and squealing and playing was just so loud it seemed. Nerves are taught. Husband says the same. I wonder why?

Still yelled more than I needed to, but kept up with chores, didn’t slack too much.

4— used my skills , they distracted me but didnt work— the kids being loud and fighting and instead of operating from a wise mind, I ended up yelling at them because they were getting out of control. and

5— used skills and was successful using them (being engaged with the family, not getting all bent out of shape trying to get to work. Used mindfulness:trying to respond out of a wise mind space, and non judgement:       )

 

Not much to report

Puttered around the house today. Did some reading, took dog for a walk. Talked to an old friend who I haven’t seen for a long time.  Went grocery shopping with hubby and the kids. Watched some Jericho tonight before going to bed. Sat on the patio this afternoon and just sat and watched the trees blowing, it was nice.

19 year old was out most of today so it was quiet. Husband is at work tonight so definitely quiet around here.

Got all my web work done today, ready to show to Father John and the Deacon.

So, I guess I’d give myself a 5 because I did use my free time in a productive way, but I was still irritable with small things that set me off. Dog on the counter, Dog running off with my computer keyboard while I was in the bathroom.  Skills I used were One Mindfulness (taking a walk, working on web site) non Judgement and Effectiveness)(was getting mad because I felt like the criticism I received for lack of work should have been placed not on me but the person who was supposed to GIVE me the info to put on the site

Out and about

Very blah day. Sort of just went about in a daze. I was up too late last night, ended up playing video games a bit too late after the kids went to bed becuase a friend messaged me and wanted to play. Its just so nice to have that alone time. Kids noise, dog noise, chaos. Practiced Non Judgemental — with the kids making noise. ‘It’s just noise- kids make noise’ Used One-Mindfully when doing dishes, didnt really practice it, just used it. Kitchen is still really clean, no dishes lying about. Im glad about that because a dirty kitchen is the bane of my existence. 🙂  6